Tonight, I had the longest panic attack I've had since october.
I have been reassessing my self and my identity and my life and where I'm going for the past few days and I have remembered alot of things about myself I forgot. Never being alone kind of makes one forget who they are, I can't even remember the last time I was completely alone for 24 hours. I think going by myself will be good for me right now. I am so sad all this is ending, everyone feels so cold all the time, I'm sure everyone's going through their own things. I don't know why mine always seems to explode out of me like that.
It was strange because I had felt fine through most of the day.
And then there was this sudden rush of grief I couldn't escape.
I feel better, now I'm just embarrassed to go back.
I'll just need to tell myself not to worry about it. I need to stop having things that happen in the past effect my relationships with people now. Less focus on other people's thoughts on me and more focus on my own.
Its so stupid because I feel like I've already taken these steps and gotten over these things only to forget and have to do them all over again.
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Buchon messed with my head. Not having my own space made me loose touch with myself. I became so absorbed with another's emotions and abandoned my own needs as a human being. It's really easy to loose yourself. And it's frustrating making the same mistake several times and promising yourself that you'll never make it again.
ReplyDeleteBe considerate and communicate well, but try not to absorb everyone's feelings around you.
One time you asked me what was bothering me and I responded with "the world." You then made a reference to my emotional walls that I build and me being vague etc. etc. I was being as straight forward as I could. Sorry if I've come off as distant, but the world overwhelms me sometimes because I don't understand where / if I'll ever belong / feel like I'm doing something right / purpose / who I'm offending with my existence etc.
Whenever I'd go to a new town I'd always get this warm feeling and sense of community. The kids all get along great and they have a great thing going. Unfortunately, majority of the time you never really see everyone's problems during a first visit. You have to live there to know.
I was stoked to be in SLO, but I got just as depressed as I was in livermore when I got to know everyone, not saying the people are bad. Just saying, things are mundane and people's lack of communication tends to cause problems.
Also, I hated living in a place with so many people all of which expected some type of social interaction with you every single day.
I love you Mary Jane. I hope you feel better. I hope you figure everything out. Blah blah blah.
I also get 200000 points for a comment longer than your blog entry.
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