oh oh oh tonight

Tonight, I had the longest panic attack I've had since october.
I have been reassessing my self and my identity and my life and where I'm going for the past few days and I have remembered alot of things about myself I forgot. Never being alone kind of makes one forget who they are, I can't even remember the last time I was completely alone for 24 hours. I think going by myself will be good for me right now. I am so sad all this is ending, everyone feels so cold all the time, I'm sure everyone's going through their own things. I don't know why mine always seems to explode out of me like that.
It was strange because I had felt fine through most of the day.
And then there was this sudden rush of grief I couldn't escape.
I feel better, now I'm just embarrassed to go back.
I'll just need to tell myself not to worry about it. I need to stop having things that happen in the past effect my relationships with people now. Less focus on other people's thoughts on me and more focus on my own.
Its so stupid because I feel like I've already taken these steps and gotten over these things only to forget and have to do them all over again.

ode to slo

I keep you behind my eyelids and pray for narcolepsy.

Apartments

I have a pain in my chest, it could be heart burn.
I've been hearing a ringing in my ear all day. Its probably a brain tumor.
This computer sounds like crickets in a field.

FAMILY

You never cease to make me feel guilty.

SPOKANE

you never cease to make me feel like shit.

Vegan Lasagna

I've finally decided I'm going to try and settle down in slo for a bit.
Now that I've finally come to that I'm so fucking freaked out about it.
I already feel really unproductive and lazy, even though I wasn't doing anything before this. And what I consider is productive is just doing art and thinking and creating memories that are worth remembering. Then again, I tend to have the best thoughts and art and write decent songs when I'm going crazy in one place. Not that I'm torturing myself for good art.
Or am I?
Meh, fuck it.

Trying to get a job for a little while is going to be ridiculous though.
I give up just thinking about it.
ugh.

Shitty shit and the shit that shits it out.

Getting over shit is hard. Especially when shit is people. I don't know why its so hard for me to be mad at people I'm close to, even when they lie. Being mad is a part of getting over so I'm told. Along with thinking about it and letting it bother you because the only way to get past it is accept it. If I don't think about it its gonna be even worse when it finally comes up, but if I'm thinking about it all the time and have bad dreams about it all the time I'm gonna be bummed all the time and it sucks. Alot. all the time. Gah.. I feel so shitty and inadequate and stupid and foolish and I told myself that I wasn't gonna be an angsty moody teenage girl and write about it but whatever. Fuck it right?